I own a really cute pair of shoes that I wish fit me, but they don’t.  They never have.  I bought them knowing they were tight and thinking I could have them stretched to fit.  Never mind that my baby toes were squeezed or that three toes were sticking out a little too far through the small open toe area.  You have to understand, the shoes were so stylish, the two-toned colors matched several of my outfits, the price was reasonable, and I needed shoes to go with my outfit.

My desire to have what I wanted right then overshadowed my best decision barometer and put me in a followup series of bad decisions.  The first was when I bought them.  Then I went to the shoe store and paid to have the shoes stretched and rubber taps put on the bottom.  I rushed the cobbler, as we were leaving for the weekend event the next day.  I wore my pretty shoes around the house while I got ready for us to leave, telling myself they’d stretch some more.  I brought along another plain pair of shoes just in case, though I was sure I wouldn’t need them.

An hour into the event had me hobbling a good distance to my hotel room in bare feet to change out these painful shoes for the comfy ones I’d brought along.  I applied bandaids to give extra cushioning to my reddened baby toes.  What a welcome relief, as I placed my wounded feet into shoes less squishy and then returned to the event having much less attention on my feet.  

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You can consciously work at improving your ability to become less affected by other people’s anger, frustration or rudeness towards you, you can also improve your ability to not get pulled off course by your own emotions when things get you down, but sometimes little things can unexpectedly set you off.  Yesterday something happened and it wasn’t even the last straw in a series of bad events which can sometimes occur, it was one, small disappointment.  Even so,  it creeped into my feelings throughout the day when my busyness slowed me down and my thoughts wandered to it. 

When I had gone to feed my saltwater fish, I discovered my favorite fish had died.  This was the most colorful, the largest and the one I’d had the longest.  It had also evolved from being a shy fish for several weeks, to coming over to the side of the fish tank whenever I talked with it.  So I felt sadness discovering her dead and then a kind of quick numbness, as I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I went about scooping her out of the tank , burying her under the rose bush, and leaving for a business appointment, trying not to think much about it. Yet underneath the things I did all day I felt a kind of wounded disappointment.

Marianne Williamson, author and lecturer on spiritual and world issues, once said that a problem for those who have done some transformational work on themselves is that they try to get over things before they’ve actually felt them. I’ve always regarded that as wise words and recognize when I ignore my feelings to get on with other things too quickly, it’s like attempting to grow a rose garden on top of a garbage pile.  So I caught myself and took a little while to check in with myself and reflect on my loss and the feelings passed naturally.

So why do I share this?  Because I’m only human and so are you.  And I know that sad feelings are best acknowledged and felt and then you can stop carrying them around as a burden that impacts other things you do or other people. 

 Is there anything you’re ignoring or feeling at a loss about? How about giving it it’s due attention so you can grieve as needed?  (Then you can become unattached and move on).

Recently I was at the movie theater and afterwards went to the restroom. I walked into a bathroom stall and soon after I heard someone enter the stall next to me. She said, “Hi Laurie! It’s Patricia.” I was surprised someone had spotted me and replied aloud, “Oh, hello…which Patricia is this?” She replied, “Um-huh. Yeah, I can be there by 10:00.” I realized, sheepishly, that Patricia?whoever she was?was on the phone with someone else and wasn’t talking to me at all. Needless to say I scurried out of the restroom in case I was spotted as the woman talking to the wall.

My husband and I had a good laugh at this. But actually it was a little lesson in not making it mean anything more me than the fact that I’d made a silly, honest mistake and it was indeed a coincidental happenstance with our similar names. Even so, there are many things I’ve done where I’ve felt higher levels of my own foolish behavior. Yet that’s one of the many positives about aging, that these kinds of things begin to matter far less.

If you catch yourself doing something goofy, how do you regard it? Do you say, “that was dumb of me,” or do you cut yourself some slack?

This week an important change is happening in our family. Two senior members are moving into a retirement home. This has been an awkward, sensitive and patient change for a few years, in order to honor their timing and wishes. What has been difficult is the decision to leave a home that has been the family home and well-lived in for many years. This home is seen as the keeper of special memories and traditions considered so precious.

Aside from a myriad of details, a big challenge has been helping family to welcome this important change which involves a goodbye, a letting go of the way things were. We remind one another that the love and memories will go wherever each of goes and are not stuck in a building, in rooms in a house, or in any article left behind. 

It’s important when making changes to come to terms with your situation and surroundings and, if necessary, to let go of even the people you related closely to that you can’t bring with you into the new scenario. No one says changes are easy, but your pain and difficulty will always be equal to your degree of attachment, which is self-inflicted. As tough as it’s been with this change, it’s also been a blessing to help in this important transition and point up pros and work through any cons, all along listening to acknowledge individual values and choices to put things into perspective and to assist our family members to even look forward to what’s next.

Are you holding on to the way things are even if they’re not good, possibly preventing a more beneficial situation?