Sometimes, despite your best work intentions and efforts, you don’t get to do the work assignments you want to do, or if you do, obstacles seem to stand in the way at every turn, preventing you from doing it the way you feel it should be done.  When not doing it at all  is not an option, you feel you’re damned if you do or damned if you don’t.

As an Entrepreneur, despite your best work efforts, their will always be those few clients, associates, or even vendors who aren’t pleased with how it’s going between you.  You might be wondering how they can feel that way, when they have changed their initial agreement with you more than once, and you’re patiently giving the situation your all. 

If you’re a Manager, you may not always have the final say on your project plans, or your deadlines can get pushed up by others and now it seems as if you’re applying pressure in an already delicate situation.  The Employee can be unhappy with you because they don’t feel you respect their time and how they want to get things done.  They may even feel you have them working on assignments they think someone else should handle.

We all have felt bullied or disrespected by someone else when we were just trying to do our work.  In some cases it can reach extremes and likely be a left over syndrome from our high school days where someone with a little power feels they have the right to flex their muscles (“Almost 30 percent of teens nationwide are either bullied at schools or are the perpetrators of the intimidation, according to the National Youth Violence Prevention Center,” (Paso Robles Press, 6-10)

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Today I felt run down, but rather than work in a nap, I had a cup of coffee (mistake 1).  I felt awake, but uncomfortably jittery (I’m not a regular coffee consumer).  I’m in Mammoth with my husband for business and I’m working in the hotel room.  We have to stay another night but that hotel was booked, so I moved us down the street to another one.  Dragging the luggage to the new room and unpacking us again while my husband went off to his meeting, it occurred to me I’d left something behind.

I had left my underwear at the first hotel (mistake 2).  So, rather than taking my time to get there (was I worried the housekeeper would toss my undies?), I hurried to back my car out of the parking garage and banged into a cement pillar (mistake 3 and the wake up call).

I got out of the car and noticed my first obvious scrape just above and on the bumper area of my newer car.  Not a pleasant sight, but fairly minor.  Yet I was so thankful that it wasn’t worse and I didn’t hit anyone, that I began consciously refocusing and moving at a slower pace.

After picking up my undies in my previous hotel room (which were of course in the drawer where I’d left them), I got a nice salad and smoothie at a local restaurant and returned to the comfort of my hotel room to eat and then and write this blog. 

I am reminding myself that not every life lesson has to be learned by the jump-off-a-cliff-to-learn-what-it’s-like-to-hit-the-bottom approach.  Next time I vow to pay attention to any fear I’m giving myself over to, especially related to trivial matters, and put my focus where it’s needed.  This invariably slows anyone down and helps minimize the possibility of things going awry.

Where’s Your Focus When “Bad” Things Wake You Up?

My husband’s Aunt just passed and we saw her the day before, small and feeble under the weight of the white hospital sheets.   It was her time and there was an odd peacefulness as part of it, that transcended our sorrow.

Death always provokes quiet reflection and an awareness of the vulnerability of life.  I find myself thinking about a strange array of nonsensical things, from the new milk that has to be tossed because it soured before its time, to my husband leaving for a business trip and wondering if I should change to an outfit I know he prefers on me better – what if this was the last thing he saw me in? 

But then I recall that Auntie began to let go eleven years ago when her husband passed.  She never wanted to do the things alone that they had done together.  She was waiting to join him.  This was a sad fact of how she lives her life, yet she had her wish and she was no doubt relieved.  We feel grief that she is longer with us, but since her health had been failing for some time, she’s no longer in pain and for that family feels relieved.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stage grief cycle for death, trauma or change doesn’t mention this, but I think another phase can be “relief.”  

I think of relief related to other experiences in my life, times when I really wanted something to work that failed or something I loved participating in that I wanted to continue, but it ended.  These are deaths of a sort.  And while there was a sense of loss and grief that accompanied those changes, a relief washed over me.  It was like being trounced by the ocean waves and then they receded and took with them certain responsibilities I had, leaving an empty space where something new could show up. And it always does.

The challenge is not hanging out for the wave, or even wearing a bathing suit in anticipation of it, but being willing to fully immerse yourself in life and not focus on potential endings or possible downs to your ups.  This morning for example, it started out grey and overcast and I was certain it would be another California June gloom day.  I was willing to make the best of it, but just now the sun has burst out in its glorious warmth.  Think I’ll go for a walk in it…

If you’ve ever been to a conference you know the break times are short and it’s only then you can check your office messages, make phone calls, and meet with others.  At a recent coach conference I shared a room and Internet line with an associate.  This was tricky and caused me to have to get even more strategic with how I did my outside communicating. 

If you have something you want to say to someone, but little time in which to do it, here’s a few pointers you may find helpful:

1.  Be sure the recipient of your communication is open and available to hear what you have to say.   If not, your words are falling on deaf ears and your efforts are in vain.  If they are able to listen, great.  If not, use this time to make an appointment for a better time to talk.

2.  Give some thought to your message on your way to delivering it (and more time if you’re not short of it).  Formulate a brief outline of the main points you want to cover (even if the outline is in your head), and what you hope the outcome to be.   This will save you time when you’re finally able to talk.

3.  Deliver your message in a confident, stable voice, rather than sounding hurried – or worse, impatient.  Be concise and on target with what you have to say.  (Note:  if you’re on the phone with someone, walking while talking isn’t a good approach.  One reason is that moving locations while on a cell can not only make you sound winded, but the line can become staticy or even disconnect, which isn’t the best impression and it wastes time reconnecting.) 

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Jim sat in his manager’s office about to have his 6-month review.  His boss seemed to have that look on his face.  A look he’d seen before.

“Jim, I’d like to say your work is outstanding, but while we’ve been pleased with your project outcomes, your approach to your work needs improvement.”

Jim squirmed in his seat and tried to prepare himself for what would probably mean another layoff.

“I don’t want to fire you, Jim.  You’ve done some good things for us since you came on board.  But we need to work together to help you stop fighting needed changes that come along so you become more resilient with change,” his boss said.

“W–hat?” Jim stuttered.  He sat up straighter as the realization hit him that he wasn’t being let go.  He looked his boss in the eye saying, “What can I do differently?”

And so a mentoring relationship ensued between boss and employee, born of a willingness to learn and do things differently and the patient guidance of another who would take the time to encourage those positive changes.

Being agile or resilient to change is a learned behavior.  It grows out of experiences of getting knocked down and getting back on your feet, then nearly being knocked down, but confidently making changes when you see they’re needed, and finally seeing problems and their solutions ahead of the curve.  Since becoming agile is a life-long learning process, letting go of your resistance to change early will expedite your facility with changes.  Your willingness to adopt positive behaviors will propel your success.

Jim had his share of layoffs and job changes because he had long felt the problem was outside himself.  When he finally asked what he could do to improve, he was on the road to a more effective way of being and to continued improved actions.  Resisting would only bring the same results over and over and Jim would continue to have problems with work. 

How can you face resistance head-on and learn to be more agile with change?

•  Acknowledging something isn’t working can feel humbling, yet don’t take it personally. 
•  Assume responsibility for your errors and be a role model for others to acknowledge theirs, as mistakes and failure are a natural part of the process.
•  Think and act for the betterment of all and, if necessary, even be willing to let go your cherished ideas.
•  Have checks and balances in place and if problems arise, note them clearly so you don’t have to repeat them, moving on to better ways of doing things.
•  Form trusted mentor and mentee relationships and use those valuable relationships for ongoing support.