We’ve all met the “Sue Sylvester,” the bully who has their own agenda and wants to push us around till they get what they want.  (Sue is the girls’ cheerleading squad coach on Glee, if you’ve not seen that t.v. show).  A few of the common bullying traits you will experience, or may be experiencing now are:

1. Aggressive behavior that is often rude, inappropriate, and many times over the top. 
2. A frequent urge to add shock value so those around them are awed, even if the attention they get is negative.
3. An overblown sense of themselves and their accomplishments, while underneath they have fragile egos.
4. A strong need for recognition, but it’s reward is only temporary for them.
5. Their power is fed by the faction of people around them who frequently respond to their requests out of intimidation, yet they don’t respect these people.
6. Poor tolerance for anyone’s excuses, because they feel no one cuts them any slack.  (the victim, though they victimize)
7. Awareness that the people who support them are  just trying to stay on their good side, stand to gain by their wins, and/or hope to convert them, so they often feel alone and act independently.
8. Can generate big wins, though they often steamroll over people or other projects to get there.

What can you do in your dealings with someone like this?  If you continue to do the right thing and use ethical, courteous behaviors that follow certain timelines or procedures, face it, you will threaten their tough guy “eat or be eaten now” approach.  Regardless, your best approach is to stand firm in your confident choices and behaviors, even if it means you now have an enemy you didn’t create.  

It is frustrating when bullies get their way easily if they have gone around policies and procedures that you’ve painstakingly followed, delaying your wins.  But just because they can push their way to the top of the hill doesn’t mean they won’t be the first one to fall off it.  Even if you’re not there to witness it.

Even so, don’t look for them to fail, don’t focus on them at all.  Stand your own ground, while being bottom-line and professional in any interactions with them.  They may even target you more and try to bring you down, as Sue does the Glee Club’s coach, Will.  But don’t be so easily knocked off course and don’t show them at any point that their intimidation practices are getting to you, as they may have a tendency to dig in harder.

Whenever possible, avoid someone with these character defects or keep a low profile.  When you have to deal with them, don’t take things personally or let it affect your own performance.  Get your encouragement and support from yourself first and then others you can depend on that have your best interests at heart.

You can be frustrated or angry that you weren’t picked to work on a project or work with a client, or you can look ahead at what to do for the next time.  Here’s a few things that work:

1.  Be eager, but not too eager  Looking too hungry for anything is a turnoff and shows a lack of self-confidence rather than your passion for the work. 
2.  Be visible, but not too in their face  I once had a friend who showed up at a smaller company she wanted to work for and asked questions of the receptionist, including showing her resume and stating her interest to meet the manager.  The receptionist told her they weren’t interviewing anyone, but my friend requested a short conversation with the manager anyway in a polite and professional way.  She wasn’t rude, demanding or even over the top.  She was prepared to leave if there wasn’t going to be an opening for this.  The manager overhearing the confident woman at the front desk, poked her head around the corner to see who this enthusiastic woman was.  My friend got an interview and was later hired.  
3.  Be informed, but don’t overdue it  Stay current through social networking, top industry blogs, top newsletters and newspapers, to know leading news about your client’s industry changes.  For example, a client of mine was a marketer.  She had a big client whose popular cosmetic line she marketed.  When I located two key articles about competitors to her client’s company and new promotions they were offering, I passed it on to my client.  This was unexpected “beyond the call of duty” service and my client acknowledged it and was grateful to be able to share the information to her client.  I didn’t barrage my client with articles or information, but was able to provide something helpful that showed I had her best interests at heart and was thinking of her mid-sessions as well.
(more…)

Recently I met a lovely woman who I overheard telling someone she was laid off from her job.  I introduced myself and told her I’m a coach.  She shared her business card with me and it said she was a “Personal Coach.”  I said, “Oh, that’s the work I do as well as career coaching.”  She told me she’s not really a coach.  She’d been in sales and is good with people and lots of friends ask her for advice, so she had the cards made up.   Hmmm.

Her background was in education and I suggested that she might want to seek the training to become a coach and work with clients in the education field.  I told her about another woman I know who successfully transitioned from being a teacher to coaching folks in education.   But this woman implied coaching isn’t a field she’d be interested in fulltime and said, “I really do it for fun.” 

Of course I didn’t tell her about the time and money I’ve put into becoming a master certified coach through The Hudson Institute and the International Coach Federation, or that I have a business administration degree.  I didn’t tell her about the continuing education seminars and conferences I attend and my extensive library of business books and self-growth readings.  I didn’t tell her I’m in my 16th year of coaching.  That would have appeared arrogant and been rude.  But I have to wonder…

Wouldn’t it be more ethical and more clear for her to be available to assist her friends without formality and not position herself as someone with the training and expertise she doesn’t have?  

It will be much better when this coaching industry is state regulated to make it easier for clients to know just who they’re getting – and even why they may get mixed results in working with different people.  In the meantime, buyer beware.

There are times when you have a good idea and suddenly others will turn to you and agree that it’s good and pat you on the back.  ”Terrific!  Now run with it,” they seem to be saying.  But maybe that’s not what you had in mind.  You may have hoped for more support and perhaps more of a team approach.

When unexpected responsibility calls your name, how do you proceed?

- Saying No Gracefully You can decide not to do it, which is tough after all that praise.  But it’s better to give up the spotlight than take on something you will fail at if your heart and mind are not into delivering on your own good idea.  Better to let this one go and move on to an idea you can get behind. 

I once initiated a video project, including writing the script, the marketing plan, and recruiting a partner.   My partner lived  in another state.  While it was possible to make the project work, the time involved for filming and getting the materials back and forth to each other was more than I’d thought through.  I soon realized it would not be an effective  use of my spare time and I had to talk with my partner and let the idea go before we set it in motion.  Turns out she was overextended with other projects and fine with letting our project go.

- Don’t Strike While the Iron is Hot  So many of us get great ideas that we’re passionate about before thinking it through more fully.  What do you want the end result to look like?  What will it take to get there?  You’re already launching and don’t even know what your aim is.  Unfortunately, lots of good ideas get killed off this way.  Write down your idea, the pros and the cons.  Talk it over with a close friend, advisor or coach.  But don’t start investing time, resources and energy before you’ve flushed it out sufficiently to know this is a responsibility you want to take on.

Part of the reason I became a coach is because I’ve seen too many good ideas others have not bear fruit.  Most of the time this is because their attention (and resources) were divided because they didn’t know enough about what they were getting themselves into.  The Internet has vast resources to support you getting the info you need to help you make more informed decisions.  Also, learn from those with experiences similar to what you want to do.

- Look for Recruits  Immediately when you’ve been elected, start making requests and putting your leadership and support team in place.  If you’re at a group meeting, before everyone disbands, speak up and make requests for who will handle various aspects of the project.  Ask them how and when they’ll offer you feedback.  Move into the role of leader coordinating others handling various aspects of the project, whenever you’re launching a good idea.

I recently started a women’s singing group and recognized that having a rotating “Host” at each of our rehearsals was key to me managing details effectively and setting the tone for joint leadership.  It has been an effective strategy.

The next time you have an unexpected responsibility, consider the source too.  Perhaps it’s someone else trying to offload their responsibility.  It could be they’re simply relieved to find a point person and you were the first warm body that came by.  If you do take it on, know clearly what is expected and whether or not you can deliver this.  Even when things are going well, develop backup plans plans.  You may thoroughly enjoy having the spotlight, but that doesn’t mean you should do it all yourself.  Do the parts you love as much as possible, and find others to help you with the rest.

What makes some ideas take off and others remain duds that are difficult to get off the ground?   Well, it’s true there’s a lot to be said for timing (Is it something others want to hear right now?  Has it’s time passed?  Is it too ahead of it’s time?)  But there are other important points to cover that make the difference between a hit and a flop, here are a few of those:

1.  Don’t do it in a vacuum.  Whether your project is really a one-person operation or involving many, you still need others to help you get the job done or at least encourage your best efforts.  In solo projects, let others learn your good ideas and support you.  If you’re expected to interface with others or get feedback from them, don’t put it off, it could save you fix-it time later.   How you communicate your project lead and launch strategy is important to garner their input or simply their vote, not to mention their respect.  In bigger projects your smooth planning and approach can allow you to be more transparent, fulfilling on a team machine that runs smoothly and with cooperation.

2.  Have a clear idea of what you want the end result to be.  Even if you’re making some of it up as you go along, you have a well-reasoned direction based on some track record of experience and research, that has others want to follow you.  You don’t have all the answers, yet enough of the map is there combined with your firm belief in your goal, that you’re able to rally a united spirit in others where they’ll want to solve any new problems with you.

3.  Express a confident attitude that is open-hearted, generous and enthusiastic.  Your passion in general and specifically for your idea, helps you and others want to find ways to correct whatever is necessary along the way.  You not only inspire leadership, but you’re able to ask for it easily and others will want to assume leadership roles to support your great idea.

4.  With your big picture vision, don’t miss the details.  However, do as few of these details yourself as possible.  Instead, manage others to become engaged and each be an important cog in the wheel turning.  Hire a Virtual Assistant to do some of the details you don’t want you or your participants distracted by.

(more…)