When things don’t go as planned, there’s a tendency to back off and let opportunities fade away, or let others handle things while you stand on the sideline.  While a sharing of expertise on projects can be worthwhile, other times not stepping up and leaving things to others can become a negative pattern.  Are you feeling reluctant to try new things because you don’t want to fail or you feel you’re in uncharted territory? 

In our careers we’re often confronted with new challenges and it’s this reluctance to sail ahead that makes the difference between successful business people and those less successful.

“He’ll get the offer, so there’s no sense positioning myself for it.”  “No matter how much I market, it won’t change my client return ratio.”  “There are so many others that do what I do, regardless of my speciality or branding, the client can’t tell us apart and I probably won’t get the business.”  “I can do it, but if they can’t see that, I’m not going to bother asking.”  If any of this sounds like you – or some similar version of career reluctance - then it’s time to revamp your career commitment and relook your strategies to turn your results around.

The first step will be to make a new commitment to your work.  Without that willingness and belief in the possibility of new results and your deserving of them, along with your belief in your capabilities, then this list below won’t apply.  (Hint:  If you weren’t willing to revamp things or work towards improving your career outlook, then you probably wouldn’t be reading this).

1.  Make a list of successes you’ve caused within the last 6 months to a year. 
2.  Examine the list and circle any similarities (noting dissimilarities) in how those came about.
3.  Recognize specific actions you took that led to positive results to decide if you’re willing and able to replicate them.
4.  Make a list of anyone who was your ambassador or a beneficial contact then to retap them if needed.
5.  Decide your most important current objectives for your business or projects now and what resources you’ll need.
6.  Let go of any projects you honestly don’t feel ready or able to head up and don’t fault your decision to do so.
7.  Notice if your reluctance has to do with stronger personalities that surround you and practice being assertive, while never exhibiting any feelings of distrust or jealousy in what they do.
8.  You can delegate by empowering others and demonstrating appreciation, while remaining in control of a project.

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President Lincoln’s quote, “You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time,”  has been altered over time.  We use this same quote but substitute ”pleasing people” for “fooling people,”  maybe that’s because the person who continues to try to please everyone is a fool.

Failed expectations is one of three primary areas of breakdowns in relationships.  (The others are thwarted intentions and undelivered communications), according to Landmark Education’s courses that I took about 25 years ago.  Since then I’ve certainly had enough life experiences to prove these correct and to remain committed to nurturing quality relationships.

With that kind of commitment, I know I will also have to address less empowering relationships from time to time and learn ways to not lose my step in the face of any negative reactions from others.  

In putting together my local women’s singing and network group for women (L.A. Choralettes), I had 15 spots to fill.   I was chastized for narrowing the age field and one woman told me I was ”discriminating” and “soulless” because the group was only for mid-life women.  While I tried to explain my sandbox is only so big and I chose to narrow the applicants to women in my own age group, some women understood and some did not. 

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Years ago I took several workshops on relationships and communciation through Landmark Education Corporation.  I’ll never forget some of the very valuable techniques I learned, including an exercise using a tissue box.  But before I give that story to you, here’s some tips from my 3 C’s for Effective Living: Change, Creativity and Communication audio recordings.  This is from Communication and should help get you ready to deal with confrontations and be ready to use your imaginary tissue box: 

1.  Recognize What We All Want – when you recognize that all of us have a fundamental desire to be understood and appreciated, this makes your being positional about being “right” in situations where one or both of you are upset, silly.  It’s also definitely counterproductive to resolution.  Always seek the common ground and nurture relationships.

2. Check Your Timing and Theirs - untimely and unthought out communications usually result in outward anger, hurt or ignoring the messenger.  If someone approaches you and you are deep into something else, try saying to them, “Fred, I really want to hear what you have to say and I can see that you’re upset.  If you can just give me 10 minutes to complete this one task I’m right in the middle of, I’ll come to your office to discuss this.”  If you’re upset, then be calm enough to be sure your comment will be heard.  Tell someone, “I need a few minutes to tell you something important.  Is this a good time?”  What good will it do if they’re not present and able to digest what you have to say?

3.  Always Assess What Is Your Responsibility in the Matter – don’t assume that every upset someone has with you is their problem.   Take a deep breath and look inside yourself to ask yourself, “Is there something I could have done, said or communicated differently to have a better outcome than this?”  It’s not about fault-finding, but about learning how to make things work best.

4.  Asking for Feedback or Not – sometimes, especially as women, we just want to let an upset out or process something aloud.  We’re not always asking for any suggestions or for something to be changed or fixed.  In fact, when our partner or associate tries to offer suggestions before we’ve even got our upset off our chest, this can be annoying.  Truth is they’re trying to be helpful, so it’s your job to let them know if you’ll want input when you’re done or not.  You can try this out when you don’t want input, “I just need to tell you something and get it off my chest.  Would you mind just listening for 2 minutes?”  This prevents them from being unnecessarily the one you take out your frustrations on when their response doesn’t match your feelings.

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“This Emotional Life – Happiness/Intimacy,” Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, talks about intimacy and relationships and uses the story analogy of why people are like porcupines.  Courtesy of YouTube.com, 1:58 minutes

A recent Twitter post said, “Does anyone else besides me dread the holidays?” My immediate reply was, “if I don’t make time for myself.” That’s what I mean by home. Finding that place to honor and listen to yourself amidst the chaotic busyness of being with family.

Because, don’t get me wrong, (my family is my top priority and I wouldn’t trade them for the world), but they can drive you bonkers if you let them. You too have likely experienced holiday gatherings and talks with family members where you feel as if you’re giving away some sacred place of yourself and not being fully understood, mostly because there are frequent interruptions and they can’t focus on what you have to say. In addition you have to stay present to conversations about matters that aren’t particularly meaningful to your life, though they seem meaningful to them.

Ah…therein lies the second clue to make it all work. You can dread your time with family and feel lost in the shuffle, or you can tell yourself the biggest part of your holiday gift-giving is to really be there for them and put your desires for attention and acceptance aside. Know that whatever family needs to learn about who you are, about your essence, they do get. The rest is really not that important. What’s important is you getting them and them experiencing that. Now that’s a gift worth giving!