It occurs to me my mother should be writing this instead of me, after all, she raised eight children and was often left at home with us all while Dad worked outside the home, so I know I’ve gleaned some of this wisdom from her.   Thus, one cause for feeling unsettled, surrounded by crazy people, or trapped, is what occurs in your environment.  It could be there is excessive noise, super high-energy, a sense of confusion or chaos, or different behavior styles present.  (We used to say visiting our home when we all lived together was “like being at grand central station”).  

At other times your upsets can be driven by time pressures (self-imposed or imposed by others), strong differing views with others, your own fixated limiting beliefs or your attachment to things being another way than how they are.  There are certainly many challenges to maintain a focused, balanced, and calm approach to living.

So whether it’s a work or home situation, or even someone(s) who are contributing to your lack of peace, here are four ways I’ve found to center myself and help me deal with my situation to maintain my sanity:

1.  Take a walk or ”bathroom break”.  When you find yourself becoming overwhelmed, frustrated or confused—even forced to make a decision you’re not ready to make—politely step away and say you’ll return in a moment, “you need to use the restroom.”  If you can’t got outside for some fresh air, you can actually go sit in the bathroom and compose yourself or your thoughts.  It’s amazing how even a short break can restore you, helping you feel centered and able to better cope with your situation.

2.  Listen more than talk (or defend)  If you’re interacting with someone and finding your energy becoming depleted or you find yourself getting caught up in defending your point of view, stop and actively listen instead.  Best not to use this silent time to gather your ammunition and prepare your next attack, instead use the silence to stay present to their words, breathe deeply from your lower belly to relax yourself, and wait till they stop and ask for your input.

3.  Set another talk time  It’s tough to be “polite” and remove yourself from a conversation when you feel irritated, wronged or even set on clarifying your view.   If you wait till you get entrenched in these emotions, it will often end poorly.  Instead, look for gentle ways to end the conversation and begin it later when you feel more grounded and ready to have it.  If you aren’t having a conversation where you are mutually respecting one another and giving time to share and listen to each other’s views, then try saying, “This isn’t the best time for me to have this conversation, and I’d like to talk with you about this _____.”  (offer “in an hour”, “tonight after work,”  “tomorrow afternoon” some reasonably specific timeframe to regroup and continue after you’ve both had time to gain some necessary perspective.

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How do you stop discounting your abilities? 

1.  You have to more clearly know what they are.  Oftentimes we weigh our strengths, skills and talents by comparing ourselves to others.  This is one way, because you can’t help but clearly see how you perform vs. others.  For example, you are quick and efficient while working and you notice others take much more time and are very detailed and need longer to finish a job.  But you can know this without comparisons too.

2.  Take a firm stance in life that you have many valuable abilities.  Many of your skills are innate and may be  untapped or used fully, but they are there to be recognized and applied as you choose. 

3.  Ask friends to tell you all the strong suits they notice about you.  if they respond only negatively, they can’t be good friends.  But if they point out how you inspire, lead, initiate, design, make fun, etc.,, etc., you know they really see you for who you are.

4.  Take a few assessments that help you determine your top-rated skills and strengths. A few of these are: a)  Now, Discover Your Strengths, by Marcus Buckingham (buy new for code in back of book to take online test). b)  What Color is Your Parachute, by Richard Bolles (do the complete flower exercise section near the end of the book).  c)  StrengthsFinder 2.0, by Tom Rath (best to buy new also).

5.  Look at projects you’ve been involved with or goals you’ve completed well.   What abilities did you use in these jobs?   When you really know your abilities, skills, talents, interests and values, you will have a clear divining rod for choices and the likelihood of you discounting your abilities, if it shows up at all, will merely be a poor habit to discard – one in which you’ve found false comfort that you no longer need.

6.  Eliminate limiting beliefs, stuck behaviors and negative emotions.  Any continued doubts about your abilities come from some experiences tried and failed, but most often are from negative beliefs you formed in your early life experiences, especially with your first role models.  If you have a propensity to feel worthless, unappreciated or even uncapable, you can change this.  The Positive Thinking Way program is one sure and quick method to change that stuck behavior and emotion for good.  

As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “Self-worth comes from one thing – thinking that you are worthy.”  So if you appreciate and respect your abilities and feel worthy of your successes, and even give yourself small rewards for jobs well done, the rest of us will be there to cheer you on too.   Tell yourself you deserve it – because YOU do!

“I want to do x.”  “Yeah, but I want to do o.”  Sometimes in a personal or working partnership you find you differ with others in your views, preferences or convictions.  In some situations, #1 or #2 below can address making clean-cut changes and coming out unscathed.  But if not, and you’re in a seemingly no-win disagreement, skip to #3 and #4 and the followup questions, for some best ways to address painful compromises.

1.  Ask yourself how wedded you are to your choice.  Look to see if you can be the bigger person here.  If the other person’s choice won’t lead to a negative or ill-fated result, let go of your idea for theirs. 

2.  Be willing to find the artful compromise.  (i.e. “I can have the document for you Monday afternoon, but can use those few extra morning hours to get you a more complete report, so can we push Monday morning to Monday noon?”) OR (i.e. I’d like to go out for dinner and prefer Japanese food, but if you really want Mexican, can we go somewhere new for a different experience?”)

3.  In the midst of a tough discussion, take a brief walk or even excuse yourself to get coffee and some aerial perspective on the matter.  Ask yourself what you have to lose by standing so firmly to your decision (other than not getting your way), and how much it really matters if this time it goes the other way.  It can be better to “let the other guy” win vs. create a poor image as a hard person to work with or potentially damage a working relationship.  And, in a personal context, your resistance could bungle an otherwise romantic or relaxing evening together. 

You may experience the temporary pain of not feeling heard or respected, but could it be that you’re taking things too personally and not focusing on the real goal - the end objective?  What is most important here?

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If you’re taking risks and outside your comfort zone, you will make mistakes – plain and simple.  Whether they are errors on your part or simply perceived as that by those you’re working for, the reality is that to create harmony in a situation or take a new direction and leave a peaceful trail behind you, you often have to bite the bullet on blame.  (For those unfamiliar with this expression, it refers to when soldiers kept bullets between their teeth during battle to more quickly be able to load their guns during warfare and its meaning is to bravely face up to something unpleasant.)

I’ve made plenty of mistakes and will continue to make them and sometimes they’re big ones and at other times not nearly as big a deal as I think they are at the time I make them.  I work harder on myself to minimize careless errors and be clearer and kinder when I speak, not point the finger at others or judge.   This isn’t easy, especially if you’ve been perceived as guilty about something and you want to defend yourself. 

There are times when you have to clear the air and state the facts in a matter, even if it means someone else could be seen as the problem source.  But whenever I’ve been involved in a matter that hasn’t gone well, I find taking mutual responsibility for it and cleaning up my end of things with others as respectfully and caringly as possible is always best.  Letting go of blame and accepting responsibility creates an unattachment to the results too that are not only freeing, but allow for unanticipated resolutions and new openings. 

Have you had to bite the bullet on blame and did you emerge a victim or leader?

Whether because your ideas, creativity or input was squashed somewhere along the way, or because you felt you haven’t been able to lend your voice at all, you can end up feeling resigned and indifferent to a particular outcome or your future.  You could be harboring strong resentments.  In any relationship, personal or business, this can be deadly.  Here are 6 ways to help you get unstuck:

1.  Give yourself time to sit down and write what you’re resigned about, angry, frustrated, betrayed, or feeling ignored or unused about.  Yes, put it in writing.  Where are you stuck?  What caused it and with whom did this stuckness occur?  Finally ask yourself what was your part in what happened and are you willing to do what it’ll take to move on?  If so, go to #2.  If not, give  yourself a deadline by when you’ll try these steps so you can move on. 

2.  Select a close friend, or someone who believes in you.  This could be a professional person you don’t work with who you respect and can trust will keep your comments confidential, your church priest, or even someone you meet in a meeting or at a social event that exhibits qualities you admire.  Leaving off the person(s) name who you’re upset with, make up a new one for them.   Secure 15 minutes of your confidantes time and then read your short story to them.  (His/her job is simply to listen to you – not to agree with you - and to completely hear what you’re upset about, even if they don’t have all the particulars.  They need to put aside their own opinions or desire to “fix” you or the scenario for the sake of honoring you and your feelings and give you the complete authentic experience of being gotten.)

3.  Next, ask this person to play the role of the compassionate sympathizer.  (They will say something like, ”I hear that you’re frustrated, angry, sad, etc. about your suggestions on that project being ignored, not responded to, rejected, dismissed, etc.”  Then they’ll say positive qualities about you, such as, “Sandra, I notice you are a committed, honest person who cares deeply about doing well and supporting others….”etc.)  Now it’s your job to silently take it in.

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