My husband’s Aunt just passed and we saw her the day before, small and feeble under the weight of the white hospital sheets.   It was her time and there was an odd peacefulness as part of it, that transcended our sorrow.

Death always provokes quiet reflection and an awareness of the vulnerability of life.  I find myself thinking about a strange array of nonsensical things, from the new milk that has to be tossed because it soured before its time, to my husband leaving for a business trip and wondering if I should change to an outfit I know he prefers on me better – what if this was the last thing he saw me in? 

But then I recall that Auntie began to let go eleven years ago when her husband passed.  She never wanted to do the things alone that they had done together.  She was waiting to join him.  This was a sad fact of how she lives her life, yet she had her wish and she was no doubt relieved.  We feel grief that she is longer with us, but since her health had been failing for some time, she’s no longer in pain and for that family feels relieved.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stage grief cycle for death, trauma or change doesn’t mention this, but I think another phase can be “relief.”  

I think of relief related to other experiences in my life, times when I really wanted something to work that failed or something I loved participating in that I wanted to continue, but it ended.  These are deaths of a sort.  And while there was a sense of loss and grief that accompanied those changes, a relief washed over me.  It was like being trounced by the ocean waves and then they receded and took with them certain responsibilities I had, leaving an empty space where something new could show up. And it always does.

The challenge is not hanging out for the wave, or even wearing a bathing suit in anticipation of it, but being willing to fully immerse yourself in life and not focus on potential endings or possible downs to your ups.  This morning for example, it started out grey and overcast and I was certain it would be another California June gloom day.  I was willing to make the best of it, but just now the sun has burst out in its glorious warmth.  Think I’ll go for a walk in it…

The past few weeks has been tough in first finding out my sister had cancer and yesterday waiting for the results of her surgery.  To our relief and gratitude she is now cancer free.  During this period, our family has heard from many other folks with illnesses.  It’s almost as if we’ve become a member of that club, albeit reluctantly, putting us in direct contact with those who are ailing or suffering.  I also notice that health issues are more of a constant converation topic between those I’m in contact with who are mid-life plus.

How does one have the capacity to take it all in and not blow a gasket?

While I felt myself on a rollercoaster ride with my emotions over my sister, I also felt it was an opportunity for a deeper connection and strengthening of myself.  Not the stoic kind that doesn’t feel any emotion, but rather a healthy resolve to feel what was needed and not let myself get crushed by it.

There is plenty of hurtful or painful experiences one can witness, be informed of, or even find oneself in the middle of at times.  You will pass through them.  How quickly and flawlessly is up to you.  Will it be a heavy weight that drags you down or will you be able to rise above it?  The choice is up to you.  If you’re a generally healthy person, you have as much capability of this as anyone else.

It’s important not to become a victim of your (or other people’s) circumstances.  Say no to suffering and count on a return to happiness and appreciation which you can expedite with your optimistic attitude.  Life isn’t cruel by nature, but it is a challenge that sometimes means you’ll crash against walls and you can either tear them down, go around them, or just take the bruises and move on to what’s next.

I used to have trouble receiving compliments.  For my 50th birthday, my husband through me a surprise party and all those who attended gave me verbal and written favorable nods.  It was quite an honoring experience.  I’ve had similar experiences with work, in companies and with clients.  It’s humbling, and yet you know what?  I’ve enjoyed it too.

Maybe you are about to get acknowledged or have already received slaps on the back of praise that stunned you.  As they say”you did a great job,” you might feel some akwardness with all this attention and thanks.  Perhaps you feel it wasn’t really as big as deal as others think it was – OR – you just are uncomfortable with praise.

Get over it.  This is your time to bask in the sun.  Whether you worked hard or hardly worked but the deed got done,  others may want to show they are grateful.

1.  Listen and don’t interrupt the complimenters.  Be grateful for the acknowledgement coming your way and soak in the kind words.   Don’t reject any additional benefits, but accept them gracefully.

2.  If it helps to recall those times you did something large or small that no one noticed and let yourself feel worthy of the sweetness of satisfying others, then do that now.

3. There will always be others who’ve helped you and be sure to mention them, but don’ t use it to deflect the moment.  It’s your time to shine now.

You did a great job and deserve recognition.  When you’ve fully taken it in, you can move on.  But not before.

Are you unable to receive?  See www.positivethinkingway.com for support.

It’s hard to even give words to your upset, and you’re not sure you want to.  It’s so private and yet the weight of your concerns is so present for you that it feels as if everyone can see something is going on with you anyway.  You get good at answering, “oh, everything’s fine,” when you know it’s not.

I have a younger sister dealing with cancer right now.  I go about my life and it’s like a wave crashing against my brain that this horrible disease has hit so close to home. 

My family, all ten of us, are having emails fly between us.  We all believe she’ll come out of it well - we do.  Yet there are periodic reports that things are worse than we feared and our calm exteriors waver.  We’ll know more in a few weeks after her surgery.

I know many folks deal with crisis that are happening or have happened, and you have to continue to work or carry on with daily activities.  

Yesterday, another sister and I talked about hope and how much easier it is to have it when things are going well.  There’s evidence all around you in the world that things don’t always turn out the best for folks.  Our lives seem precarious and unexpected occurrences make us feel as if we’re not in control.  But here are a few things I know are helping me to stay focused and optimistic:

1.  Pray.  Even if you don’t believe in God, something put you here on Earth, and there is a powerful universal force at work that can alter the course of your circumstances at any moment. 

2.  Believe.  Have faith in a balance of nature beyond your imagination that is just and loving.  All is right in this mindset and heartset that gives you the strength to face any obstacle.

3.  Renew.  Look for ways to cry, laugh, dance, do what you love and be grateful for it.  Releasing pent-up emotions and tapping into joy, has a healing power.

4.  Share Modestly.  You need to share with others, but share with those you can trust.  Folks can’t tell what is going on with you even though you think they can.  So unless you’re prepared to answer lots of questions, talk with those you feel closest with and ask for them to listen without giving advice, or ask for words of support if you need them.  This opening with a few can help you stay focused and present when you’re with others.

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You’ve been rejected.  That’s right – turned down, not picked, turned away, let go or left out. 

If you’re like me and someone tells you something hugely disappointing, you want to yell out, “That’s not fair!”  Afterall, why don’t they want to play with ME, right?!  You’re suddenly whisked back to your school days and picking teams for tether ball and no one has picked you, or you’re off the team and someone else is in your place. 

It happens all the time, whether it’s work-related or personal.  A great guy you met didn’t call like he said he would.  Your friend cancels at the last minute.  Someone less qualified gets a promotion over you.  You’re let go for no reason other than they decided to try a fresh face in the position.  You’re stood up.  You produce a great body of work and they use someone else’s.  “That’s not right!” you say.

Ah…you’ll come up with a million reasons to explain how the choice could have been made, but in the end, you still have to live with it not being you.  Here’s a few suggestions to make it go down more smoothly.

- Buoy your self-esteem.  Start with a short period to just feel your disappointment and maybe anger.  Then realize that most of your emotional response is because you’re making it mean something about you.  Truth is you either have to behave differently to get a different result, or it didn’t have to do with your behaviors at all.  If that’s true, then don’t beat yourself up and find a way to grieve and move on.  But it’s possible you had had certain expectations and the other person(s) didn’t meet those because your agreement wasn’t clear to begin with.  Ask yourself if you were operating on any false assumptions.  Forgive yourself and don’t dwell on your mistakes – improve them. 

- Review the situation.  What, if anything, could you have done differently – or was it unavoidable?  Can you make a change so this won’t occur in the future, or was it out of your hands?  Can someone explain to you the reason for the change so you have a better idea of how to improve?  What they say may make sense, even though you may not like hearing it.  You just have to accept it.  Part of your situation review has to be putting the whole scene into the big-picture perspective.  How important is your participation in this anyway?  You always have other options.

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