When my husband and I were considering having a child years ago, we decided that we were okay about letting nature take it’s own course.  We actively decided to be okay with whatever manifested.  In my view, this is a very different place from not talking about or coming to a decision about something and then being disappointed when you don’t get what you want.

If you like “chocolate” or “vanilla” equally, then it won’t be upsetting when either manifests.  But if you don’t care for either or have strong preferences one way or the other, you don’t wait till the dripping icecream cone is in your hand to choose what you want.  How do you decide?  Here’s a few questions you can try on:

1.  Do I have  a strong feeling or passion towards this one way or the other?
2.  Are my concerns based on fears or bad experiences from the past that aren’t really relevant today?
3.  Does either choice offer more benefits or value than the other choice?  (For me?  For others this affects?)
4.  Do I have to give up something else if I choose one over the other and am I willing to do that?
5.  Does either choice challenge me in a positive way that, while uncomfortable, may help me to grow?
6.  Am I willing to stick with my decision, not second-guess myself and be happy with my choice?
7.  If I don’t choose something myself, can I accept and be satisfied with what shows up?
8.  Is there a combination of these that will give me what I need (chocolate-vanilla swirl)?

Sometimes, we see things as only black or white and don’t realize we may have options.  We don’t think the myriad of choice factors, maybe we only see the 8 above and don’t explore others or maybe we don’t even see these 8.

A client once came to me saying she had to look for another job, because her job description caused her too much travel and she was burnt out and having health problems.   She loved most of her job, though.  Instead of getting a new job, we did role playing for a conversation she eventually had with her Supervisor.  She was able to offload some of the travel and her health improved.  She ended up doing less while still making her same income and keeping her title.

Do you sometimes see decisions to made as dead-end and not recognize the myriad of factors that can allow you another choice?

With every family member we choose to spend time with, there’s something special about them that endears us to them.  Okay, they may talk too loud, eat too quickly, talk over us or others, bring up sensitive topics, not be willing to help with cleanup, etc.  But what is it that you appreciate about them?

Before you meet family members this Thanksgiving, imagine each of them individually and clearly in your mind.  Reflect about those qualities of endearment you feel towards them.  Now when you’re with them, be more interested to discover something else about them you hadn’t known was a fun characteristic of theirs and an interest of theirs you hadn’t know of or haven’t heard the latest on. 

In groups that tend to be noisy, it’s always best to keep your own responses short.  For example, if someone does ask about you and “how things are going” simply reply “they are doing well, thanks for asking” or “changes are afoot in the new year and you’ll let them know later,” etc.  Don’t give long drawn out explanations about important topics to you in which you can be easily interrupted.  This can seem embarrassing or hurtful, when it’s merely the nature of these kinds of gatherings that are typically a chance to see one another, share food and catch a brief update.

This holiday put your attention less on yourself and be there fully for others.  Then if you’re cut off during discussions or no one seems to ask about you, it doesn’t matter.  You know they care about you, you don’t have to have it demonstrated.  You’re secure in you and are grateful for you.  Now enjoy the company of those you care about and be thankful you have this family or friends to connect with and enjoy this special holiday.

The Miracle is You: Kute Blackson, courtesy of Youtube.com 5:38 min.

A Tribute to Women Past and Present, Courtesy of Youtube.com  2:25 min.

My husband’s Aunt just passed and we saw her the day before, small and feeble under the weight of the white hospital sheets.   It was her time and there was an odd peacefulness as part of it, that transcended our sorrow.

Death always provokes quiet reflection and an awareness of the vulnerability of life.  I find myself thinking about a strange array of nonsensical things, from the new milk that has to be tossed because it soured before its time, to my husband leaving for a business trip and wondering if I should change to an outfit I know he prefers on me better – what if this was the last thing he saw me in? 

But then I recall that Auntie began to let go eleven years ago when her husband passed.  She never wanted to do the things alone that they had done together.  She was waiting to join him.  This was a sad fact of how she lives her life, yet she had her wish and she was no doubt relieved.  We feel grief that she is longer with us, but since her health had been failing for some time, she’s no longer in pain and for that family feels relieved.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stage grief cycle for death, trauma or change doesn’t mention this, but I think another phase can be “relief.”  

I think of relief related to other experiences in my life, times when I really wanted something to work that failed or something I loved participating in that I wanted to continue, but it ended.  These are deaths of a sort.  And while there was a sense of loss and grief that accompanied those changes, a relief washed over me.  It was like being trounced by the ocean waves and then they receded and took with them certain responsibilities I had, leaving an empty space where something new could show up. And it always does.

The challenge is not hanging out for the wave, or even wearing a bathing suit in anticipation of it, but being willing to fully immerse yourself in life and not focus on potential endings or possible downs to your ups.  This morning for example, it started out grey and overcast and I was certain it would be another California June gloom day.  I was willing to make the best of it, but just now the sun has burst out in its glorious warmth.  Think I’ll go for a walk in it…