If you’re someone who doesn’t particularly like roses and the expression, to stop and smell them, irks you, it’s understandable. (Roses rarely carry a fragrance anyway).  But maybe they’re just not your thing.  And that leads me to wonder… How do you handle it when things aren’t the way YOU’D like them to be or you just don’t LIKE something?

The obvious/but a reminder: Focus on something else you can appreciate and be grateful you have that to enjoy. Maybe it’s going to your relaxing home after tough work days or having one enjoyable project to sink your teeth into, vs. no challenging work to do at all.   That doesn’t mean you can tell yourself things don’t matter, if you can change them.  Maybe you’ll plant orchids if you don’t like roses.  You have lots of options and shouldn’t feel you have to go with the popular opinion.

But look for the unobvious in your choices too.

The less obvious/exploring new terrain:  Use not liking something as a red flag to alert you to pay closer attention.  What causes you to dislike it?  Are you discluding something that could offer value?  Explore if there is any redeeming qualities to what you don’t like and see if there’s any part of it you can appreciate.  Maybe you don’t readily connect with someone, for example an overly chatty person, but you can see they are resourceful and you may pick up a useful bit of information from them if you’re willing to listen to them.   And maybe she/he is affording you the break in your day that you aren’t giving yourself. 

And with the rose – well, it’s a popular gift to give others, even if it’s not your favorite, so you may be able to enjoy it from that fresh perspective.

I recently visited my folks and a sister, an avid Oprah show fan,  introduced me to the story of  James Frey.  A fledgling author at the time, James had written a first book that wasn’t selling  and in order to get it published, claimed it was a memoir and was dishonest in his promotion of it.  The book hit the bestseller list.  Oprah and her staff were quite moved with this man’s tragic and heroic story of transition from addiction to recovery.  They put it on Oprah’s book club list and James went on her show to promote it. 

Then the truth came out that good portions of it were fictionalized, a scandal ensued and Oprah was taken to task by the media for helping to back it.  She brought James back on her show to have him take personal responsibility for his actions and, in some ways, chew him out.  Some folks chewed her out for doing this.

The shows I caught were following Oprah’s epiphany several years later in which she recognized she’d been harsh with James and brought him back on her program to share with him and the public her awareness that the embarrassment she felt was her ego anyway and that it wasn’t her place to judge anyone.  Both her and James apologized for their behavior and James was humble and sorry for putting Oprah and others in that position to begin with.  He said he had learned alot about making poor choices. 

This is certainly not the kind of behavior you typically see in the public arena from name professionals when errors or misjudgments have been made.  It was inspiring to witness.

It must have been a tough journey to arrive at that place of understanding and humility for Oprah and was, as James said, very “big” of her.  For James, he apologized for his wrongdoings and has since moved on to more legitimate successes.  

A few learnings that stick out for me here from this story are:  avoid shortcut routes to success where ethics are involved, even if you’re feeling desperate and anxious to get ahead.  It ultimately backfires anyway and can destroy potential opportunities from sticking.  And stay with the truth, be wary of justifying exaggerations of the truth, and always be ready to present yourself authentically. 

Isn’t it better to receive recognition in this way anyway?

You didn’t think I’d really have this answer for you, did you? 

However I can tell you that any risk worth taking has its challenges and at some point, no matter how noble your endeavor is, you’ll likely get wet — let me tell you, I’ve been there.  You can even be unexpectedly standing in a full-on hailstorm. 

But it’s up to you if you emerge from those unpleasant showers hiding yourself under a bush in a safe environment (or headspace), or not.  If you are willing to show yourself again and exert your leadership abilities while you move on to your next challenge, goal, or risk-taking experience, you still emerge the victor.  And if you get a little wet along the way, well, ask yourself if your project(s) are worth it.   “Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” as Chaucer said.

If your circumstances end poorly, your learnings from this may not be immediately evident, but there will be something you can take away to transform your next approach or next endeavor.  It’s up to you to keep your eyes open to look for it and make adjustments the next time.  Meantime, bring along your umbrella, even while you must expect and focus on sunnier days.

Lately I’ve had the gift of submitting  journal updates on a website for family and friends (CaringBridge.org) on behalf of a dear friend who is undergoing treatment for cancer.  It’s been a small offering during this tough time, yet several folks have thanked me for taking the time and energy to keep them in touch with our friend.

It’s caused me to look at the many loved ones, whether they’re long-term friends or moment-in-time friends who have supported me in so many ways.  It has, in fact, extended my thinking about what a friend is.  A friend doesn’t have to be someone sitting holding your hand through an illness, while so deeply honoring, it can be someone you know less well, someone who just offers a kind word or a knowing smile.  Maybe they’re courageous enough to help you see that a choice you’re making should be reconsidered.  They’re there  just when you need them.  I’m so greatful for them extending themselves to me. 

Not only am I am welcome to receive this love and kindness from others, but I ask daily to have the awareness of mind and heart to be the kind of person who regularly and conscientiously offers unconditional friendship to others.  I find myself reaching out to folks doing ordinary tasks and maybe feeling unnoticed and making them my mission to connect with – the woman cleaning bathrooms in an office building or at the movie theater,  the postman, the checkout register person, the stranger walking their dog, etc.  I try to say more than just hello and thanks, but to exchange a few kind words.  They are all part of the bigger network of service I’m a part of. 

Are you willing to extend your reach and your network of connection and friends?

When my husband and I were considering having a child years ago, we decided that we were okay about letting nature take it’s own course.  We actively decided to be okay with whatever manifested.  In my view, this is a very different place from not talking about or coming to a decision about something and then being disappointed when you don’t get what you want.

If you like “chocolate” or “vanilla” equally, then it won’t be upsetting when either manifests.  But if you don’t care for either or have strong preferences one way or the other, you don’t wait till the dripping icecream cone is in your hand to choose what you want.  How do you decide?  Here’s a few questions you can try on:

1.  Do I have  a strong feeling or passion towards this one way or the other?
2.  Are my concerns based on fears or bad experiences from the past that aren’t really relevant today?
3.  Does either choice offer more benefits or value than the other choice?  (For me?  For others this affects?)
4.  Do I have to give up something else if I choose one over the other and am I willing to do that?
5.  Does either choice challenge me in a positive way that, while uncomfortable, may help me to grow?
6.  Am I willing to stick with my decision, not second-guess myself and be happy with my choice?
7.  If I don’t choose something myself, can I accept and be satisfied with what shows up?
8.  Is there a combination of these that will give me what I need (chocolate-vanilla swirl)?

Sometimes, we see things as only black or white and don’t realize we may have options.  We don’t think the myriad of choice factors, maybe we only see the 8 above and don’t explore others or maybe we don’t even see these 8.

A client once came to me saying she had to look for another job, because her job description caused her too much travel and she was burnt out and having health problems.   She loved most of her job, though.  Instead of getting a new job, we did role playing for a conversation she eventually had with her Supervisor.  She was able to offload some of the travel and her health improved.  She ended up doing less while still making her same income and keeping her title.

Do you sometimes see decisions to made as dead-end and not recognize the myriad of factors that can allow you another choice?