“I want to do x.”  “Yeah, but I want to do o.”  Sometimes in a personal or working partnership you find you differ with others in your views, preferences or convictions.  In some situations, #1 or #2 below can address making clean-cut changes and coming out unscathed.  But if not, and you’re in a seemingly no-win disagreement, skip to #3 and #4 and the followup questions, for some best ways to address painful compromises.

1.  Ask yourself how wedded you are to your choice.  Look to see if you can be the bigger person here.  If the other person’s choice won’t lead to a negative or ill-fated result, let go of your idea for theirs. 

2.  Be willing to find the artful compromise.  (i.e. “I can have the document for you Monday afternoon, but can use those few extra morning hours to get you a more complete report, so can we push Monday morning to Monday noon?”) OR (i.e. I’d like to go out for dinner and prefer Japanese food, but if you really want Mexican, can we go somewhere new for a different experience?”)

3.  In the midst of a tough discussion, take a brief walk or even excuse yourself to get coffee and some aerial perspective on the matter.  Ask yourself what you have to lose by standing so firmly to your decision (other than not getting your way), and how much it really matters if this time it goes the other way.  It can be better to “let the other guy” win vs. create a poor image as a hard person to work with or potentially damage a working relationship.  And, in a personal context, your resistance could bungle an otherwise romantic or relaxing evening together. 

You may experience the temporary pain of not feeling heard or respected, but could it be that you’re taking things too personally and not focusing on the real goal - the end objective?  What is most important here?

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We all have a quirky side, a side of us that likes to standout and be different and that let’s us show our full range and colors.  It might not be as blatant as coloring our hair red, but it could be saying something unexpected and “out of character” in professional environments, expressing your personal views in a meeting where you’d otherwise not voice an opinion or not agreeing with the mainstream.

For some, knowing when it’s okay to assert changes and and act differently within certain boundaries is easy.  For others, it’s more challenging to fit in and feel appropriate to their situation.  Only you can determine how important it is for you to align with others and your environment.  Your livelihood may depend on it.  If you’re a musician and being unique is encouraged, then you can flaunt your style in ways you wouldn’t have the same opportunity for in more formal environments. 

Here’s a few questions to ask yourself and help you know when it’s okay to be different:

1.  Are there others in my environment who act similarly?
2.  Has anyone told me directly that they expect this kind of behavior or the way I like to dress is acceptable?
3.  Is there anyone at my job or client’s office I can check with confidentially, if I’m not sure what’s acceptable dress or behavior?
4.  Will a more reserved behavior, at least till I understand the lay-of-the-land, help me have a better sense of what is expected or common here?
5.  Are there other environments, such as at home or out with friends, where I can dress more casually and feel more freedom to voice my opinions that won’t affect my professional life?  Am I willing to make that compromise?
6.  Is my position with my type of work such that it would be best to keep a lower profile with all public exposure and leave my private at-home life the place I express myself fully?

As the old adage goes, when in doubt, don’t.  So unless you’re sure you can really be more outspoken or flamboyant, check it out with others and test the temperature of the water first.  Otherwise, if you’re feeling your style is being crimped and your true expression isn’t acceptable where you are, then you should look for places to work or play in that will fit you better.

You didn’t think I’d really have this answer for you, did you? 

However I can tell you that any risk worth taking has its challenges and at some point, no matter how noble your endeavor is, you’ll likely get wet — let me tell you, I’ve been there.  You can even be unexpectedly standing in a full-on hailstorm. 

But it’s up to you if you emerge from those unpleasant showers hiding yourself under a bush in a safe environment (or headspace), or not.  If you are willing to show yourself again and exert your leadership abilities while you move on to your next challenge, goal, or risk-taking experience, you still emerge the victor.  And if you get a little wet along the way, well, ask yourself if your project(s) are worth it.   “Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” as Chaucer said.

If your circumstances end poorly, your learnings from this may not be immediately evident, but there will be something you can take away to transform your next approach or next endeavor.  It’s up to you to keep your eyes open to look for it and make adjustments the next time.  Meantime, bring along your umbrella, even while you must expect and focus on sunnier days.

After putting all your ideas out, you can then decide which ones you’ll keep and which ones you’ll eliminate in finalizing a goal.  While this may seem like a timely process, it assures that all your great ideas are captured, regardless of how silly or how seemingly impossible they may be, towards helping you accomplish your objective.

It’s always best to work on a large paper or even a dart board, as seen here on the left, (since this can be a fun process too).  You want to be sure you aren’t restricting your ideas with too small of a writing or working space. 

Get all of your ideas out – both those that are strongly or mildly interesting and even the crazy ones.  With even the wild and crazy ideas, there can be kernals of something useful and powerful to include.  So don’t be too quick to discard these kinds of ideas.   Then see where there are similarities, where your experience, skills and strengths most occur, and with which ideas you’d have the time, energy and resources for.  In other words, begin the narrowing and focusing process after you’ve got all your ideas out. 

Best not to jump into action on any of these ideas until you’ve done the shuffling process of discarding the true misfit ideas and see the patterns emerge on what you really want to pursue.  Now with less ideas you can move into the R&D phase and do examination of these ideas or goals in more detail, to determine the best one to pursue.

My naivety in my twenties and my “can-do” attitude had me apply for positions that sounded interesting and I had a smattering of qualifications for, but in general they were jobs out of my league.  Some might say, “nothing ventured, nothing gained,” and while at times that can be true, my choices led me to experience embarrassing situations where I could chalk up additional rejections instead of focusing on pursuing those jobs I was most qualified for and interested in.

For example, after several classes in Japanese and prior to my living there for a year, I felt confident in my basic Japanese that I applied to be a pharmaceutical representative and liaison with the company’s Japan branch here in the U.S.  (Never mind that I had no pharmaceutical training or knowledge of this industry at all, not to mention that some of my values and my skill set didn’t align with this work.)   

I’ll bet you can imagine the evening our company president and I met with the Japan representative in an elegant hotel lobby and I exchanged a few basic introductory sentences with him and shortly after we both clearly got that I had no clue what he was saying.  What a disaster!

When I did finally travel tol Japan, I agreed to teach a company of men after their work hours how to speak English.  It didn’t occur to me that we’d have difficulty communicating, though none of them spoke any English.  After being let go of this position, I met someone who introduced me to a doctor.  He stuck me in a lab coat and had me speak my pidgeon Japanese to his patients to take their history.  How embarrassing for us both - particulary when they had to point to their aching body part and I was trying to figure out what they were saying and type up their information.  I was clearly a show piece only, as the doctor followed up with these same questions himself.  Why did I agreed to do it?  I was wooed by the satisfaction of landing work, earning some income and mistakenly assuming the job would lead to something better.  Sound familiar?  It actually took me several more awkward jobs before I realized to seek those that best matched my skill and aligned with my values.  So, what about you?

Are you telling long tales about yourself to get a job you aren’t qualified for or isn’t your best fit?