Don’t Take Rejection Personally – Here’s How
You’ve been rejected. That’s right – turned down, not picked, turned away, let go or left out.
If you’re like me and someone tells you something hugely disappointing, you want to yell out, “That’s not fair!” Afterall, why don’t they want to play with ME, right?! You’re suddenly whisked back to your school days and picking teams for tether ball and no one has picked you, or you’re off the team and someone else is in your place.
It happens all the time, whether it’s work-related or personal. A great guy you met didn’t call like he said he would. Your friend cancels at the last minute. Someone less qualified gets a promotion over you. You’re let go for no reason other than they decided to try a fresh face in the position. You’re stood up. You produce a great body of work and they use someone else’s. “That’s not right!” you say.
Ah…you’ll come up with a million reasons to explain how the choice could have been made, but in the end, you still have to live with it not being you. Here’s a few suggestions to make it go down more smoothly.
- Buoy your self-esteem. Start with a short period to just feel your disappointment and maybe anger. Then realize that most of your emotional response is because you’re making it mean something about you. Truth is you either have to behave differently to get a different result, or it didn’t have to do with your behaviors at all. If that’s true, then don’t beat yourself up and find a way to grieve and move on. But it’s possible you had had certain expectations and the other person(s) didn’t meet those because your agreement wasn’t clear to begin with. Ask yourself if you were operating on any false assumptions. Forgive yourself and don’t dwell on your mistakes – improve them.
- Review the situation. What, if anything, could you have done differently – or was it unavoidable? Can you make a change so this won’t occur in the future, or was it out of your hands? Can someone explain to you the reason for the change so you have a better idea of how to improve? What they say may make sense, even though you may not like hearing it. You just have to accept it. Part of your situation review has to be putting the whole scene into the big-picture perspective. How important is your participation in this anyway? You always have other options.
- You can always contest it. You have to weigh the value in going up against the decision not to include you. I’ve had clients ask for another interview, another chance to position themselves. I’ve had clients who have communicated their needs in the stickiest of situations, including with lovers and friends, and remedied near-broken situations. How you do this makes all the difference. Be sure it’s from a power position, with diplomacy and respect, not from a place of blind defensiveness, weakness or desperation.
- You can laugh it away. You may be initially disappointed, but look at it this way – you now have the freedom to make other choices. Have a good laugh about it and move on. (You can even start your own rejection hotline. (See Humor Hotline’s or even youtube’s rejection hotline links…only kidding!).
- Have a back door strategy. If you get suddenly let go at work and don’t have your resume updated and a good list of current business contacts at the ready, then you’re asking for trouble. This isn’t the same as “expecting” to be let go, but it means you’re on top of your destiny and won’t be devastated financially or emotionally by sudden changes. You don’t have that same option in a marriage (unless it’s one that’s harmful or unhealthy). But you should have a support network you both trust and can turn to if you need some perspective.
If you let yourself get fully immersed in disappointment the time and energy you had to move forward will be spent in therapy sessions. Give yourself time to feel the hurt, then pick yourself up and move on!
Tags: personal letp-downs, rejection, tools to handle upsets
