7 Tips to Disarm Upsets and the Imaginary Tissue Box
Years ago I took several workshops on relationships and communciation through Landmark Education Corporation. I’ll never forget some of the very valuable techniques I learned, including an exercise using a tissue box. But before I give that story to you, here’s some tips from my 3 C’s for Effective Living: Change, Creativity and Communication audio recordings. This is from Communication and should help get you ready to deal with confrontations and be ready to use your imaginary tissue box:
1. Recognize What We All Want – when you recognize that all of us have a fundamental desire to be understood and appreciated, this makes your being positional about being “right” in situations where one or both of you are upset, silly. It’s also definitely counterproductive to resolution. Always seek the common ground and nurture relationships.
2. Check Your Timing and Theirs - untimely and unthought out communications usually result in outward anger, hurt or ignoring the messenger. If someone approaches you and you are deep into something else, try saying to them, “Fred, I really want to hear what you have to say and I can see that you’re upset. If you can just give me 10 minutes to complete this one task I’m right in the middle of, I’ll come to your office to discuss this.” If you’re upset, then be calm enough to be sure your comment will be heard. Tell someone, “I need a few minutes to tell you something important. Is this a good time?” What good will it do if they’re not present and able to digest what you have to say?
3. Always Assess What Is Your Responsibility in the Matter – don’t assume that every upset someone has with you is their problem. Take a deep breath and look inside yourself to ask yourself, “Is there something I could have done, said or communicated differently to have a better outcome than this?” It’s not about fault-finding, but about learning how to make things work best.
4. Asking for Feedback or Not – sometimes, especially as women, we just want to let an upset out or process something aloud. We’re not always asking for any suggestions or for something to be changed or fixed. In fact, when our partner or associate tries to offer suggestions before we’ve even got our upset off our chest, this can be annoying. Truth is they’re trying to be helpful, so it’s your job to let them know if you’ll want input when you’re done or not. You can try this out when you don’t want input, “I just need to tell you something and get it off my chest. Would you mind just listening for 2 minutes?” This prevents them from being unnecessarily the one you take out your frustrations on when their response doesn’t match your feelings.
5. Listening More Than Talking – if you talk more than you listen, then you’re not going to have everything you say heard and you shouldn’t expect that. Try turning the quotient upside down and become a better listener. If you’re actively listening you won’t feel suppressed or under-represented. Then when you speak, you’ll likely have your listeners ear more. Don’t fall into bored half listening because you assume you know where the speaker is headed. Be curious and open to being engaged newly in what others have to say.
6. Acceptance of Other’s Communication Styles – not everyone will have the same communication abilities or even the patience that you may have in communication. Sometimes others have a way that is blunt, curt or downright discourteous. If someone is being demeaning or disrespectful, be sure you let them know calmly that you’re willing to listen and talk with them when they approach you more respectfully. Don’t throw it in their face, but don’t tolerate abuse. You should also know that some folks just don’t have good communication skills and try to listen past that to the point they are trying to make.
7. The Tissue Box – this has saved me in tough conversations where I thought I was right and wanted to dismiss the other person when they approached me angrily. Imagine that they’re holding a tissue box and each comment they make is only a tissue gently falling on the floor near you, or your head or shoulders, but it can’t hurt you. Rather than silently seething and waiting for them to finish, notice the range of emotions you’ll feel and let them float by. Don’t plan what you’ll say in defense, but keep quiet, listen, and nod or say, “um-huh” to let them know you’re hearing them.
When they stop, it’s as if their kleenex box is empty. To be sure it is, ask them, “Is there anything else?” They may talk more. When they’re done, ask them again, “I hear what you’re saying, did you have anything else you wanted to say?” When they’re fully emptied out they’ll stop and chances are their upset will be fully disarmed. Now you can have a conversation about what you each can begin to do differently to create positive changes.
May you increase your ability to rise above the clamor and have quick resolution of any upset, using these tools to help you get there!
Tags: being understood, dealing with confrontation, diffusing anger, disarming upsets, effective communication, listening actively
